WASHINGTON, D.C.—The death toll from Justice Brett Kavanaugh's first week on the Supreme Court has just topped 330 million, a report from the CDC indicated Friday.
As soon as the man was sworn in, millions perished instantly, and the deaths continued to ramp up throughout the week.
"Women are particularly affected," said a CDC official. "We advise you to hide in your homes because there is no telling whom Kavanaugh is going to kill next, nor is there a cure. God help us all."
On Monday morning, Kavanaugh strolled into the Supreme Court building through a line of protesters dressed as characters from The Handmaid's Tale. He glanced in their direction and instantly burned them all to a crisp.
"Hold your loved ones close, wish them goodbye, watch The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu while you still can because y'all are goners," the official added.
Editor's note: this article was published posthumously, as the writer has since died of a sudden case of Justice Kavanaugh.