POCATELLO, ID - A freshman student at Sacagawea High School doesn't have any mental illnesses, sadly making him a loser nobody can relate to. The 15-year-old student, whose name has not been released to the public, doesn't have ADD, OCD, anxiety disorder, gender dysphoria, or even schizophrenia, say school counselors.
"Who?" asked classmate Sylvia Rodriguez, who sits next to the young man in 3rd period English. "Oh, that guy? He's a looooser! He doesn't even see a therapist!"
A recent survey of students confirmed that over 80% of the student body had no idea who the loser was, and those who did found him boring and unrelatable.
Principal Andrew Johnson expressed concern on behalf of the loser student. "We try to make everyone feel welcome here. School is hard enough without being an unpopular outcast, but there's only so much I can do for [the boy]," he said. "He's white, emotionally stable, cisgendered, has two great parents, and doesn't even think COVID is an incredibly deadly disease that will murder his whole family. No wonder he has no friends!"
Sources say the young man has taken to faking mental illness in order to make himself seem more relatable. Instead of talking with his friends about movies and baseball, he strikes up conversations about his pronouns and the latest medications he's taking. In order to seem more convincing, he has also started dying his hair and wearing makeup while wearing a space alien costume.
His parents expressed concern over the direction their son was going but were quickly investigated by the FBI as possible domestic terrorists.
The young man is being encouraged by teachers to keep "living his truth," even if it's not his truth at all.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.