SAN BERNARDINO, CA — A McDonald's spokesman has gleefully confirmed that the burger giant's turnover rate is now no longer the highest in the world, as the recent, explosive spike in turnover at Hezbollah has officially put the terrorist organization well past McDonald's notorious 250%.

According to Mickey Deese, a McDonald's spokesperson whose family has been associated with the fast-food corporation for three generations, the new development was a welcome surprise to the burger joint.

"We tried to give the folks at Hezbollah a call to thank them for their hard work, but they wouldn't pick up for some reason," Deese said as he signed a plaque reading "We're Not Number One Anymore." "It was touch and go here for a while — we've been losing 'em almost as fast as we can teach them to scoop fries. I wonder how Hezbollah manages to do it over there. I do hear their business is really booming of late."

Hezbollah representatives did not respond to an invitation to comment via telephone, telegraph, pager, or even fax.

At publishing time, McDonald's had sadly pulled back into the number one spot after local cashier Jerry Campbell quit to pursue a new career at a car wash.

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