WASHINGTON, D.C. - After calling out Facebook for killing billions of people with misinformation, President Biden then turned his sights on MySpace, and its genocidal founder Tom.
"I am hereby issuing an executive order to immediately arrest Tom from MySpace for crimes against humanity," said Biden to a plastic shopping bag he mistook for his FBI Director. "Too long has he subjected America to terrible, brightly colored fonts and crappy music playlists. And when I was bumped from Obama's top 10 friends, it literally killed me. When are we gonna say, 'enough is enough?' When?"
FBI sources are currently on the hunt for Tom, as well as the murderous creators of these other weapons of mass destruction:
- AOL Instant Messenger
- Juno Email
- All cell phones
- The Rolodex
- Fax Machines
- The Gutenberg press
- Hallmark greeting cards
"I won't stop until these public menaces are caught and destroyed!" said Biden.
The administration also confirmed they will be personally checking every single library book for misinformation and will burn everything that may lead to vaccine hesitancy.