Amid calls for justice, NFL teams are taking bold steps to change their team names and end racism. This has caused controversy since everyone is racist. Are you confused? Never fear! We at The Babylon Bee are here to educate you. We believe that all 32 teams were built by a system of whiteness that must be dismantled, one team name at a time.
We MUST do better. Here is why every NFL team name is very problematic:
Arizona Cardinals - Too religious.
Atlanta Falcons - Celebrates one of the cheapest Smash Bros. characters, who is a smug little punk only jerks choose.
Baltimore Ravens - Named after the Disney Channel show That's So Raven without the POC protagonist's permission.
Buffalo Bills - Bills are an evil byproduct of capitalism.
Carolina Panthers - The panther was appropriated wholesale from Wakandan culture.
Chicago Bears - Murderous bears should never be celebrated.
Cincinnati Bengals - It just sounds racist. We're looking into it.
Cleveland Browns - Brown what? Are you talking about skin color again? Sounds like white fragility.
Dallas Cowboys - A mutant half boy, half cow is tragic and shouldn’t be used as a mascot.
Denver Broncos - Horses have been subjugated and enslaved for millennia.
Detroit Lions - Lions are not vegans.
Green Bay Packers - Glorifies butcherous meat packers. Meat causes global warming. Gross.
Houston Texans - Celebrates the most racist state in the Union.
Indianapolis Colts - This name glorifies guns.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jaguars are driven by evil rich billionaires as they run over poor people.
Kansas City Chiefs - We suggest switching to Kansas City Wise Indigenous Tribal Elders.
Las Vegas Raiders - Celebrates The Raiders of the Lost Ark, which featured prominent Nazi imagery.
Los Angeles Chargers - We don't think anyone who has faced down a line of charging riot police would find this name the least bit funny.
Los Angeles Rams - Dodge Rams contribute heavily to the climate crisis.
Miami Dolphins - Painful reminder that Sea World still exists.
Minnesota Vikings - Associated with patriarchy-dominated Norse mythology.
New England Patriots - REEEEEEEEEEEE
New Orleans Saints - Goes against the constitutional principle of separation of church and sports.
New York Giants - They prefer the term "persons of height."
New York Jets - The burning of jet fuel contributes to global warming.
Philadelphia Eagles - Eagles are a well-known Nazi symbol.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Steel contributes to global warming.
San Francisco 49ers- The gold miner mascot hearkens back to manifest destiny and the destruction of Mother Earth
Seattle Seahawks - Birds are unable to give consent to have their name used as mascots.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - This one's actually OK because they were probably just stealing bread to feed their families.
Tennessee Titans - Reinforces the harmful idea of power structures and male-dominated hierarchies.
Washington Redskins - Nothing wrong with this one as far as we can tell.
We hope this informative list is a wake-up call to the NFL. If we continue to work on ourselves, we can help the NFL become more inclusive! Within 20 years, we may get them to put down the ball and kick it around as the ancient Aztecs intended us to.
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