CHICAGO, IL—Refusing to be influenced by parents, city leaders, or science, the Chicago Teachers Union today reiterated their steadfast commitment to drinking coffee in yoga pants. However, after intense pressure from Mayor Lightfoot, the teachers have finally agreed to return to work if the following demands are met:
Padded walls: Musculoskeletal injuries are the most common reason for a teacher suffering work-ending boo-boos. Living in a world of wood and metal is like asking to go to a nursing home, where you will die of COVID and have your body hidden in an ice cream truck.
Empty classrooms: Every room must be hermetically sealed for a minimum of 3 months and flooded with bleach daily. Those cesspools of germs known as “kids” must not be allowed within 100 feet of a physical school. Let’s be honest-- the fact that children are gross is undisputed. We teachers simply cannot risk being exposed to actual children and their grossness.
Teleportation machines: We all know that for us young teachers dying from a traffic accident is a thousand times more likely than dying from COVID. So what kind of insane maniac would drive a vehicle? Teleportation must be available to all possible destinations a teacher may need to go-- like the coffee shop, or the yoga pants store.
Dance lessons: Dancing is one of the most important parts of a union protest. Teachers are being harmed by people mocking our dancing all the time. They don’t seem to get that we’re professional teachers who are supposed to be teaching, not dancing. We need to become professional dancers to adequately express our feelings, and so everyone will stop making fun of us.
End all science classes: But if kids take science classes, they might start listening to actual scientists. If they listen to actual scientists, they might find out that there they are at an almost 0% risk for contracting or spreading viruses. Then we might look bad.
Triple-masking at all times during Zoom calls: Seeing children's actual faces on Zoom would cause tremendous anxiety. Triple-masking is a must until we are sure the virus cannot be spread through the World Wide Web.
24-hour Target delivery service: We do recognize that there are essential employees in the world, like the personal shoppers at Target. We want to honor them by asking them to work 24 hours per day because if they never leave Target, their risk of getting COVID is greatly reduced. Plus, at any moment we might need the newest line of stuff from that Magnolia place.
A popcorn machine in the break room: This goes without saying.
Personal bodyguard: These people have to be willing to literally lay down their lives for us, OK? Like, risk everything to make sure we’re safe, because caring for others is why they’re paid, and if they aren’t willing... wait... umm… just make sure they look like Dwayne Johnson.