HEAVEN—According to sources reporting from the afterlife, heaven has installed a garbage can at the entrance to the eternal state along with a sign instructing people to discard all the seashells they wasted their lives collecting before entering into the presence of the Lord.
"Lots of people are coming up here still carrying the seashells they collected during retirement," said St. Peter, "and that's just not allowed. You can't bring anything here. How many times do we have to say this?"
One elderly couple then tried to enter heaven. Peter was forced to pat them down, discovering that they were trying to smuggle over fifty different varieties of seashells into the Kingdom of God.
"What's wrong with you people!?" said one heavenly representative. "Stop trying to bring all your seashells into heaven!"
At publishing time, heaven had also installed a giant junkyard for throwing away the 50-foot trawler you used to sail around Punta Gorda, Florida when you were retired.