LAHAINA, HI — Representatives with the Hawaiian Department of Land and Natural Resources reached out to the public Friday, imploring whoever stole the ancient Tiki statue depicting Pele, goddess of fire, to please return it ASAP.
Though mainland officials first assumed the Hawaiian wildfire was a result of man-made climate change, they were eventually informed by the Hawaiian government that the goddess Pele has cursed the island of Maui because some idiot stole her Tiki statue.
"Look, I can't explain it. One day everything is fine — now everything is on fire," said Director Of Hawaiian Antiquities Joe Malerba. "Just please, whoever you are, RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY! OH NO, NOW MY DESK IS ON FIRE! OH NO, NOW IT IS ME. I AM THE ONE WHO IS ON FIRE!"
Officials on the mainland were at first skeptical that the wildfire could have a supernatural origin until they watched Disney's Moana. "We must restore the heart of Te Fiti!" President Biden informed the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
"Sir, that's a completely different god," corrected Admiral Michael M. Gilday, Chief of Naval Operations.
Skeptics have pushed back on a superstitious origin for the wildfire, proposing that perhaps the fire was caused by those fire dancers that are always spinning torches around for tourists on vacation while wearing highly combustible grass skirts.
At publishing time, the fires had receded after the statue was found in ex-Biden official Sam Brinton's luggage.
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