RAFAH — Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering support over the past few weeks, promising that, in return, the deaths of university students in the coming global intifada would be relatively quick and painless.

"Our cold hearts have been warmed by the unquestioning loyalty of American college students," said Hamas spokesman Muhammed Muhammed Al-Muhammed Muhammed to reporters. "As a token of our gratitude, we will shoot you and blow you up instead of cutting your heads off while raping you when we globalize our glorious intifada and cleanse the world of all infidels, Americans, and Jews."

"Death to America. But, like, a quick death. Well, maybe it will only hurt for a second. But that's it. It's the least we could do. Thanks, everyone."

The Hamas spokesman was then cut short by an Israeli drone strike.

"We are proud to stand behind the brave liberators of Palestine," said Zander Penelope, president of the Columbia chapter of Queer Degenerates For Palestine. "As an oppressive white colonizer, I know I deserve to be killed, and am grateful that I won't experience much pain when they kill me. But if they want to cut my head off, that's fine too. I'm just happy to show my support to the movement."

At publishing time, Hamas clarified that their pledge would not apply to gay people, who would still be thrown off the top of buildings.

YUGE NEWS! There's a new Donald Trump Version of the Bible, and we've got the exclusive clip of Trump reciting his favorite verses.