OSLO — The world-altering genius of one man was unanimously recognized on the global stage this week with the highest and most prestigious honor possible, as the guy who invented "Dip & Squeeze" ketchup packaging was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Bill Manders, who had worked in Research & Development at Heinz for 34 years, was credited as the man who originally came up with the revolutionary "Dip & Squeeze" packet that has been cited as the first sign that humanity could eventually achieve a peaceful and prosperous future. Manders has now been recognized for his service to all mankind.
"The world was a cold and dark place during the age of traditional ketchup packets," said Brynjar Bakken, a representative for the Norwegian Nobel Committee. "Few people even remember the days we spent, crudely having to use such rudimentary ketchup packets to apply condiments to our hotdogs while being forced to squirt it out into a blob on a plate to use it as dip because we have blocked those cruel experiences out of our collective memories. Mr. Manders changed ketchup packaging, and, in turn, changed civilization as we know it. The world thanks you, sir."
Manders was gracious in his acceptance speech. "I didn't set out to alter the course of human history," he said. "I just wanted to be able to use the same ketchup packet to squirt it onto burgers or peel it open and use it as a dipping cup. It seemed like an obvious idea. I didn't do it to be famous. I just did it in pursuit of ketchup versatility."
Experts estimated that Manders's invention has likely prevented the start of at least 17 international wars, saving millions of lives.
At publishing time, a man named David Wawrzynski had filed a lawsuit claiming that he should have been the rightful recipient of the Nobel Prize as the true inventor of the "Dip & Squeeze" ketchup packaging.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
