SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As Elon Musk takes over Twitter this week and begins looking for ways to make the $44 billion-dollar company more profitable, some employees are starting to worry about the future of their jobs.
And none more so than Shea L. Porter, a content moderation specialist who's been working for Twitter full-time for 4 hours a week since 2019. According to sources within the company, Porter is the one who made the decision to lock The Babylon Bee out of its account after the satirical news site gave Rachel Levine its coveted "Man of the Year" award.
"You know, I'm starting to wonder if I might be in trouble here," he confided in coworker Ally Federer. "I don't know. I just feel like it might be frowned upon to make a content moderation decision that may have resulted in the entire company getting sold and the whole discourse around free speech in this country shifting."
"Like, did I change Western Civilization forever just because I was a little grumpy that day?" According to Porter, he had a heavy workload back in March when he decided to lock The Bee out of its account and was just a little on edge, resulting in the decision that may have shifted the tides of the war over free speech and big tech censorship forever.
"It was a pretty rough day for me," he admitted. "I was putting in extra hours to get a project done, so I'd worked, like, 8 hours the week before. The cafeteria was out of red wine on tap, and I found the garlic shrimp a little mealy, which is weird, because Fernando down there in the kitchen is usually on point. So, I dunno. I let my emotions get the better of me."
At publishing time, Musk had called Porter into his office and asked him, "So, what would you say... you do here?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
