BRADDOCK, PA — According to sources, Senate candidate John Fetterman was eating a quiet breakfast this morning when he suddenly blurted out the rest of the answer to question 3 of the debate from two nights ago.
"I support fracking. Yes, I support... it. I believe it's a... clean form... of energy... to use. Vital to... our energy independence. Fracking. Fracking." yelled Fetterman in between bites of Reese's Puffs. "Two years ago... I had a... different position, but now I don't... and I — Hey! Where'd everybody go? How'd I get here?"
Fetterman then started hyperventilating as his aides and nurses tried to calm him down.
"See?" said Mrs. Fetterman. "I knew he had it in him. Shame on the reporters who said John was having issues with his answers. And shame on that Dasha Burns from NBC, who said my husband was not well. Now excuse me, I have to change his diaper."
Other critics of Fetterman rushed to slam the delayed answer. "Does he even know where he is?" said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "There are 1950's computers that process faster than this. What's he going to answer next, the riddle of the Sphinx?" A democratic Senator who wishes to remain anonymous pushed back on Cruz's statement. "It is ableist to criticize someone who has had a stroke," said AOC. "It is also sexist since Fetterman is married to a woman. And racist because the woman is Brazilian. And particularly rude because the woman is hot."
Locals in Pennsylvania are being urged to put aside their ableist and bigoted tendencies and vote for Fetterman regardless of whether he's capable of doing the job.
Journalists reached out to Fetterman for a response, which they anticipate getting next month.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
