ONTARIO, CA — History was made today as the guy weaving in and out of traffic ahead of you on the freeway was awarded an impressive 1st place trophy after he arrived at the offramp a full 15 seconds before all the other cars he impatiently swerved around.
"I feel really proud of this momentous achievement," said Brent Larson after pulling up to the stop light a few seconds ahead of the other cars. "Those other losers were just going too slow. I've gotta get off the freeway, man! Now look at me — I'm sitting here at the red light at the bottom of the ramp, and all those cars I passed are stuck staring at my tail lights. Suckers!"
Larson credited his overly aggressive driving and wanton disregard for roadway safety for his astounding ability to arrive at the light one-quarter of a minute ahead of other motorists. Drivers of the vehicles Larson passed seemed oblivious to his accomplishment. "Yeah, he doesn't seem very patient," said Ken Rawlings, who drove at a respectable speed and arrived at the same place only a few seconds later. "But, hey, if it makes him feel like he did something impressive…yay for him, I guess."
Larson was undeterred by the lack of enthusiasm from his fellow drivers. "They're just jealous, man," he said. "They wish they were the ones who got here at the same offramp stop light at virtually the same time after those sweet driving moves I put on display. Ha ha! Whatever, losers!"
At publishing time, Larson reportedly arrived at 7-Eleven with plenty of time to spare so he could get his Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Monster energy drink.
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