Entertainment
Equality For The Elderly: Grampa Simpson Will Now Be Voiced By Joe Biden

U.S.—In an ongoing effort to make sure cartoon characters are only voiced by actors who are exactly like them, Abraham "Grampa" Simpson will now be voiced by Joe Biden in all future episodes of The Simpsons.

Dan Castellaneta said he would be stepping down from the role in order to make space for a real elderly person with dementia to take the part. As a result, Castellaneta will now only voice approximately 1,429 characters on the show.

"Characters with dementia should be voiced by actors with dementia," said a spokesperson for Fox. "It was ableist and discriminatory for us to allow Castellaneta to voice the role for so long without seeking out real, flesh-and-blood people who act exactly like Grampa Simpson in their everyday speech and mannerisms."

"I'm honored to be voicing this role," said Joe Biden. "You know, there's a funny story. I was out looking for Corn Pop, so I decided to go to Morganville which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt which was the style at the time -- the kids loved the onion. They'd see the onion and start running their fingers through my leg hair and watch it change color in the sun. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of, you know, the thing on 'em."

"See?" said the spokesperson. "He's perfect."

At publishing time, Joe Biden had wandered outside and begun yelling at a cloud.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 75 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.