SACRAMENTO, CA—While some backwards states are reopening, Governor Gavin Newsom has assured California that the state will be guided by the principles of SCIENCE in all capital letters. To ensure the state abides by the eternal laws of SCIENCE, Newsom has appointed a new head of his coronavirus response force: Bill Nye the Science Guy.
"Our state is guided by science, and the most science-like guy on the planet is Bill Nye the Science Guy," Newsom said at a press conference as he introduced the TV show host. "We aren't one of those dumb hick states -- we have SCIENCE on our side now."
Bill Nye the Science Guy came on stage in his patented coat and bow tie as the crowd chanted, "BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL!" He was also wearing big clown shoes and a novelty trick flower that squirts people with water. Newsom fell for the trick and Bill laughed, honking his clown horn. The audience thought it was really great.
The science-y entertainer then performed wacky stunts like making a baking soda and vinegar volcano and mixing some colored chemicals in a tube, causing his face to turn black and his hair to go back and everyone in the audience to laugh. "Science rules!" he said.
"I'm just glad I live in a state that is guided by SCIENCE," said Santa Cruz resident Willy Flotsam. "I can't imagine if I lived in a state that considered other disciplines like economics."