Going To College? Here's What You Need To Pack For The Fall Semester In Order To Survive
Sponsored · Jul 6, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You'll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that's in store for you.

Here is a definitive list of items you must take to college with you:

  1. Extra internal organs to trade for tuition: One kidney alone will cover 3 credit hours!
  2. $8,000 cash: For books! Oh, you thought your tuition covered books? AHAHAHAHA!
  3. Extra change of pronouns: No one uses he/him or she/her anymore. Get with it!
  4. Several changes of extremely ugly, unattractive clothing: So you'll fit in with all the other GenZ kids.
  5. Contraband Jordan Peterson videos to secretly share with your friends: Whatever you do, do NOT get caught with these!
  6. Cat ears for some reason: Everyone's doing it.
  7. Acoustic guitar and ability to play one song: Everyone will love you!
  8. Small fan, reusable water bottle, pencil case, and durable book bag: To sell for beer money.
  9. Magneto helmet to keep professors out of your head: Helmet hair isn't a problem because you'll never want to take it off. Ever.
  10. #2 pencil: To poke your eyes out during the cafeteria's drag show.
  11. A completely new identity for when you first get canceled for telling a politically incorrect joke on social media: No one is immune.

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Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!

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