WICHITA, KS — Devout local Christian Josh McKay has decided he can no longer in good conscience get wasted drinking Bud Light, and has therefore switched to scotch.

"I had to take a stand," said Mr. McKay, stumbling into the wall. "What would that do to my Christian witness if my friends found me passed out and holding a can of Bud Light? No way, man. If they find me in a gutter somewhere, I'm going to be cradling a bottle of scotch."

After waking up hungover in a Kroger parking lot last weekend, Mr. McKay reportedly felt convicted that it was time to give up Bud Light and instead drink hard liquor. "I woke up in the parking lot that morning wearing someone else's pajamas, and just felt the Holy Spirit telling me that I had to give up Bud Light," said Mr. McKay. "Then I felt the police officer telling me that I was blocking the handicapped space. So, after spending some time wrestling in prayer, I poured out all of my Bud Light and replaced it with cheap scotch."

Members of Mr. McKay's church small group praised the change, saying the Bud Light issue had begun to create real friction. "We didn't want to even be seen with him," said small group leader Ricky Burke. "Honestly, we were starting to really worry about him - like, maybe 'he' was a 'she' or something. We're so thankful he's getting sloshed on scotch now. The Lord is good!"

At publishing time, Mr. McKay had awoken in a dumpster - but with a nice, clean conscience.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.