WORLD—As Coronavirus continues to spread and fears intensify, heaven has taken action.
Heavenly representatives declared this morning a global flood of hand sanitizer to purge the virus from our midst. While God had previously promised never to flood the earth again, heavenly lawyers discovered that there was a loophole, since the purpose of this flood would be to purge Coronavirus and not destroy humanity.
"For the next 40 days and 40 nights, a global flood of hand sanitizer will cleanse the earth," said one heavenly representative. "Because you people can't figure out how to wash your hands and stop touching your freakin' faces, heaven has decided to take action."
"And seriously, what's with you guys who don't wash your hands after using the bathroom? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?"
Uninfected believers have been encouraged to flee to Kentucky, where they can board Ken Ham's ark.