ANCIENT NEAR EAST—Despite the scriptural evidence that God restored all of Job’s fortunes after his devastating losses, scholars now believe God actually mailed Job a $600 stimulus check to compensate him for his trouble. According to new evidence, God considered restoring and even doubling all of Job’s property, but after lengthy discussions, he decided six hundred bucks was just what Job needed.
“I pretty much lost everything,” Job said. “My kids, my home, my livestock, my health, my livelihood. I lost all of it. But finding out that I’ll get $600 is pretty exciting. Maybe I’ll buy a goat!”
Job’s friend Bildad complained that he would not be receiving a stimulus check. “It’s not really fair,” said the Shuhite. “I spent the better part of an afternoon with Job. I basically suffered as much as he did, and I get nothing? Ridiculous!”
The check is expected to be sent out “sometime soon,” leaving Job at the mercy of the mail delivery service for his much-anticipated windfall. However, even when the check arrives, Job’s situation won’t improve much. Rather than investing the funds back into the family business, Job’s wife plans to spend the money on a new vacuum.