WASHINGTON, D.C. — With news of still more lewd U.S. Congress incidents circulating, a local man reported a mysterious encounter he had in which God agreed to spare the nation's capital from divine destruction if He finds just 10 congressional staffers who have not filmed a gay sex tape in the Capitol building.
"He still seemed pretty confident He'd be breaking out the fire and brimstone," said Abe Oldman, the man who claimed to have spoken with God. "I was standing outside my house, thinking about how crazy things were getting in this city when I noticed what appeared to be three men walking toward me. I had my wife fix them a light snack while I talked to them. One of them, who I felt strongly was the embodiment of God Himself, commanded the other two men to continue walking toward D.C."
What happened next, according to Oldman, could only be described as a negotiation for the very fate of the entire city. "He said he was going to completely destroy the whole town," Abe said. "I asked him ‘What if there are 50 decent congressional staffers there?' and He answered me ‘If there are 50 decent ones, I'll spare the place.' I kept trying to negotiate. I went down to 45, then 40, then 30, then 20. He kept saying he'd let D.C. off the hook if there were that many staffers with no gay sex tape. Eventually, with my final plea, I got Him to agree to spare the place if He could find just 10 staffers with no gay sex tape."
At publishing time, Oldman didn't have high hopes for the outcome. "Yeah, turns out there probably aren't even 10 non-gay-sex-tape staffers," he said. "He's totally going to roast the place."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
