BETTLES, AK—Locals in Bettles, Alaska have reported mysterious sightings of a man walking around with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Since this is a very unusual sight in 2020, investigators were sent to the area to find out more.
The man in question is Sam Gramley. Investigators discovered that Gramley doesn't have a Twitter account or a Facebook account, and hasn't really followed politics in 32 years. They found him petting a cute puppy on a scenic mountain path like a complete buffoon who isn't aware of all the extremely important things people are arguing about on the Internet at this very moment.
"What a beautiful day outside!" Gramley said as he greeted investigators, like some sort of idiot who doesn't follow politics and doesn't know how terrible everything is all the time. "The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I had a delicious breakfast this morning, and wow! Now I have visitors! Could it get any better?"
Investigators rolled their eyes and filled in Sam Gramley on all the important issues and scandals of the day. Sam's face fell and he hung his head before shuffling off towards his house in utter sadness. Investigators congratulated themselves on successfully converting this happy idiot into a responsible citizen who cares about what's going on in the world. According to witnesses, however, Sam forgot all his troubles at sunrise the very next day. "WOW! Look at that beautiful sunrise! What an amazing world we live in!" he exclaimed.
What an idiot!
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