DUBLIN, OH — According to sources, local 3rd-grader Carter Browning brought a FRIGGIN' LUNCHABLE to school. Man, he's so lucky!
It's even the pizza one. The one with the little pizza crusts and pepperoni and Crunch bar for dessert. That's the best one. And it has a Capri Sun. His mom must be rich. Your mom never buys you a Lunchable. All you get is a stale bologna sandwich and celery sticks and it's not even good. Why can't your mom ever buy you a Lunchable like Carter? Does she even love you? NOT FAIR!
"Mmmm this Lunchable looks really good," says Carter while opening the gleaming package. Maybe he'll give you a bite of his. Maybe you can trade him some celery sticks. Probably not though. He'll probably eat it all, and you'll always wonder what a Lunchable tastes like because Mom never buys you one.
Now all the other kids are gathered around Carter. Man, he's so cool with his Lunchable. What a king. You'd better not let the kids see your lunch because they'll probably think you're a loser.
At publishing time, Mom had announced she was packing you hard-boiled eggs for tomorrow's lunch which will ruin your life forever.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
