U.S. — A letter allegedly written by failed Trump assassin Ryan Routh has reportedly promised $150,000 to anyone who would successfully finish what he started. But Routh's hopes of instigating more attempts on the former president's life were foiled when Trump offered a reward of $150,001 to not kill him.
"I can do better," announced Trump. "If you spare my life, you can have $150,001. All you have to do is not break the law. It's easy money, believe me."
Trump announced he would cover the costs of any potential payout with a new line of Trump NFTs that depicted him dodging bullets like Neo in The Matrix.
"Look, I get it. I'm a hot commodity, and everyone wants a piece of me. It's understandable," Trump said. "No one even wants to kill Comrade Kamala because she's such a loser, and, frankly, I'm embarrassed for her."
"The great dealmaker has done it again," said a spokesman for the campaign. "Trump has single-handedly thwarted all future attempts on his life by out-bidding would-be assassin Ryan Routh. This is masterful negotiating."
At publishing time, Donald Trump had filed for Chapter 13 Bankruptcy because he spent all his money paying people to not kill him.
A journalist spills all after being mistakenly added to a group chat with top Trump officials.
