BALTIMORE, MD—President Trump launched into a deranged attack against the city of Baltimore, calling it “a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess” and a place “no human being would want to live.” This caused extreme confusion within the city -- as, having been run exclusively by Democrats for decades and decades, it is a nearly perfect, progressive utopia and a beacon of hope to all.
Stepping into Baltimore is like stepping into the future. Thanks to its politics never having been corrupted by any right-wing elements, the city is almost free of problems. Shiny towers touch the sky, people happily travel from glass dome to glass dome in their flying cars, and not a trace of dirt or grime is found anywhere, thanks to the city's perfect central planning. Crime is unknown in Baltimore, since they have compassionate measures to reform criminals instead of punishing them. And there is no such thing as poverty or income inequality because of the Democrats’ tight control of the economy.
“I had no idea what Trump was talking about,” said the leader of Baltimore, known as the “Overseer,” who heads the largely automated bureaucracy of the city. “He called us rat-infested, and I was unfamiliar with the creature. I checked our vast archives -- as knowledge is very important to Baltimore -- and found out it was some sort of vermin that plagued cities in previous centuries. Such things are unknown in Baltimore.”
The Overseer had thought to engage Trump on Twitter, but arguing on social media is for lesser beings and not for evolved people such as those who live in Baltimore. Instead, the citizens of Baltimore are going to continue to focus on their city, hoping to one day make it the greatest, most advanced city in the world, maybe even topping Detroit.