DALLAS, TX — Local parents Kevin and Cyndi Thompson continue to idiotically resist the overpowering, siren call of the minivan.
"We will never, ever drive a minivan. I'm not that kind of mom!" said Mrs. Thompson as she and her husband shopped for a new family car. "I don't care about the space, the convenience, the - wait a minute, the doors even close on their own? Are you serious??"
Though parenting comes replete with humbling experiences, Mrs. Thompson has long been adamant that she would never suffer the indignity of driving a minivan. "I've been hurled on, pooped on, you name it," said Mrs. Thompson. "Children have an incredible talent for removing every last vestige of pride that you have. But I refuse to lower myself to the minivan, no matter how much sense it makes. Why does it make so much sense?"
Although initially hesitant, Mr. Thompson's will to fight was slipping away the more he looked at all the features. "Babe, I get it. These captain's chairs can rotate though!" said Mr. Thompson with a huge grin. "There are cupholders like, everywhere. Tell you what, we upgrade the sound system in this bad boy and we could just have family movie night in here."
At publishing time, the Thompsons had reportedly accepted the inevitable and couldn't be happier.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
