U.S. - As the shutdown of the entire country starts to affect the food supply chain, with meat processing plants and other businesses closing, there are now signs of a looming crisis. Researchers say that the U.S. may soon no longer have enough food to support the entire country's being morbidly obese.

"We're already down to producing only enough food for five thousand calories per day per person," said nutrition expert Marc Ward. "If this trend continues, the country will simply not have enough food to sustain the extreme corpulence of every man, woman, and child. We can support everyone being a bit chubby, but that's it."

Fear of this disaster has already caused the hoarding of Twinkies, Häagen-Dazs, and canned gravy. President Trump, though, is telling citizens not to worry. "No one is losing a single pound while I'm president," Trump promised. "If we have to, we'll open up our National Nacho Cheese Sauce Reserve."

Still, Trump said that people may want to eat more cautiously until things are back to normal. "Like you might want to look at the recommended serving size on the back and actually only eat that amount," Trump said, holding up a bag of Cheetos. He then looked at the back. "Twenty-one pieces?! That's not realistic. Okay, don't eat more than three times the recommended serving size."