SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has instructed detention facilities across California to begin releasing violent felons to make room for skateboarders, surfers, and other people who have committed the heinous crime of going outside.
Thousands of cells have now been freed up for "the dregs of society," as Newsom referred to people who go to the beach or skate at a skate park. As the felons left the prisons, they laughed at the skaters and surfers entering their previous cells. The skater bros just said, "Dude, not cool" and the surfers said, "Totes not stoked bra, major kook move dude."
"We need to free up those prison cells for the really dangerous people, like beachgoers," said Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference. "We can't have those dangerous people who sit on the beach for a few hours or do doozy flipkicks and 630 spinaroos out on our streets."
The felons went out and immediately committed crimes, but many were undocumented immigrants and so were given a stimulus check instead of getting arrested.