PORTLAND, OR—Portlanders and other citizens of Democrat-controlled cities have been sounding the alarm on President Trump's "secret police," federal agents who are arresting citizens in broad daylight for peacefully protesting with bricks and hand grenades and stuff.
Some mayors have even threatened to fight back against the secret police, arresting them on sight. Well, President Trump isn't going to take this lying down, and has instructed his agents to dress up as rioters so that Democratic politicians will let them do whatever they want.
"It's great -- we just slap on the Che Guevara shirt, maybe a beret and a BLM mask, and bam -- we can operate with impunity," said one of the federal agents as he arrested a grandma just because he could. "I threw a few bricks through the 7-Eleven window just for the high. The police see the BLM attire and they just tell us to 'go about your business' and to 'move along.'"
The agents are instructed to wear communist slogans and carry bricks and Molotov cocktails and shout things about defunding the police. The plan has worked out beautifully so far, with agents being able to do "literally anything" without any response from the Democrats who run the cities whatsoever.