WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to newly released court documents, a federal judge invented time travel and transported himself to New York in 1946 so he could overturn President Donald Trump's birth.
According to witness accounts from 1946, Judge Samuel Eldridge surprised doctors when he entered the delivery room and declared, "The D.C. District Court hereby declares Trump's birth null and void." As a result of the court order, baby Trump was slowly erased from existence, undoing all MAGA policy he would spearhead later in his life.
The medical staff was reportedly outraged by the unilateral court ruling. "You're supposed to be in the waiting room with the other men!" said one doctor while a nurse pointed out that federal judges don't have jurisdiction over all space and time. Sources said the quick-thinking judge held them in contempt and fled the scene with a swirl of his robes, never to be seen again.
Republicans pounced on the court's ruling and asked the Supreme Court to step in and overrule the lower court's order. SCOTUS refused to take the case, however, claiming they had never heard of a Donald Trump. "The president is now, and has always been, Emperor Obama," said Justice Samuel Alito.
At publishing time, in a cruel twist of fate, it was learned that Judge Eldridge had spontaneously ceased to exist due to the butterfly effect.
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