WASHINGTON, D.C. - Swift executive action from President Donald Trump set aside a vast tract of land in the hills of Joshua Tree National Park in Southern California for the few remaining Christian ska bands to roam free, their ways of life preserved and protected from harmful predators like more modern Christian rock bands.
The once-thriving Christian ska band population has been tragically thinned out over the past two decades through a combination of over-hunting and decreasing relevance of the genre.
U.S. Fish and Wildlife vehicles arrived at the preserve Wednesday and began unloading members of several bands, including Five Iron Frenzy and the O.C. Supertones, gently introducing them to their new home. The members had been located, humanely tranquilized, and loaded up in trucks and vans by federal personnel.
"The nearly extinct Christian ska genre will now remain preserved for all generations to enjoy," a federal agent said as Supertones lead vocalist Matt "Mojo" Morginsky was let out of his cage to roam free in his new, wide-open home in the coastal hills of California. "Go free, little guy."
The 2,000-acre preserve is covered in pristine lands, where Christian ska band members will be able to start a new life away from the interference and influences of modern musical sensibilities. Federal researchers will check in with the band members every few months and drop off supplies like brass instruments, guitar amplifiers, checkered Vans shoes, and "dope suits" to ensure the band members thrive in their new habitat.