BIRMINGHAM, AL — In an extraordinary display of efficiency and ruthlessness, the FBI's crack tactical team descended upon a sleepy suburban neighborhood after receiving reports of an active incandescent light bulb.
A deafening sound of helicopters filled the air as the FBI's Tactical Light Bulb Unit (TLBU) descended upon the home of Mark Johnson and his family. The elite team, clad in full tactical gear, executed a precision landing on the Johnsons' roof, then rappelled down and smashed their way through every window of the house.
Neighbors watched in bewilderment as Special Agent Lark, leader of the TLBU, commanded his highly trained team to secure the perimeter. "This is a Code Edison! I repeat, a Code Edison! We have an incandescent situation here!" he shouted into his radio. "If met with the slightest resistance shoot first and ask questions later, men. The stakes are too high!"
The team moved with lightning speed, taking positions around the dining table and assessing the situation. After a tense standoff with the active burning bulb, the TLBU deployed Agent Patterson, the most experienced incandescent technician on the bulb squad, to delicately diffuse the volatile, slightly less energy-efficient incandescent bulb. As the nation held its breath, Patterson successfully unscrewed the bulb, triggering a round of applause from neighbors nearby.
At publishing time, Agent Rodriguez had tactically dismantled the chandelier to prevent any future incandescent light bulb situations from ever occurring again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
