STAMFORD, CT — An unspeakable horror was averted today as a Federal Bureau of Investigation tactical team expertly rushed by an angry mob of pro-Palestinian protestors screaming "Kill the Jews" to quickly arrest an elderly woman who was quietly praying outside a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic.
"You need the discipline to ignore any distractions and focus on where the real danger is," said the lead FBI agent as the team made its way through the increasingly agitated crowd of protestors in the street. "Sorry, folks! Pardon us, dear citizens participating in your democratic right to assemble in protest! We've got a clear and present threat to neutralize!"
The team members, clothed in body armor and armed with automatic weapons, politely excused themselves while passing dozens of people waving pro-Hamas signs, lighting fire to American flags, and chanting "Death to the Jews" before reaching their intended target, 78-year-old Nora Greenwald, who was sitting in prayer outside the Planned Parenthood clinic.
"Take her down! Go! Go! Go!" the team leader ordered as other team members pepper-sprayed Greenwald, tased her, wrestled her to the ground, and tightened zip ties around her wrists and ankles.
"Threat neutralized," a team spokesman said after Ms. Greenwald was thrown into the back of a prisoner transport vehicle to be taken in for questioning at an undisclosed location and held indefinitely without trial. "We're proud to get dangerous filth like this off our streets so peaceful people can protest."
At publishing time, the FBI had responded to the threat of a group of Catholic teenagers who were praying the rosary as the pro-Palestinian mob began to set fire to homes and businesses in the area.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
