WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a thorough 3-minute investigation, the FBI announced that the highly anticipated Epstein list had shredded itself.
The list, which had long been purported to link human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein to elites around the globe and was allegedly so damning that it threatened to bring down Hollywood, Congress, and Prince Andrew, apparently shredded itself and no one at the FBI remembered what it said.
"We have no idea how this could have happened," said spokesman Special Agent Sean Kellar. "The list must have gotten up out of its file cabinet, scooted over to the paper shredder, and fed itself into it one page at a time. It's an unfortunate turn of events, but the case is now closed due to lack of evidence."
This was not the first time paper had seemingly gotten up and moved around at the bureau on its own. Files related to Hunter Biden, the JFK assassination, and January 6 have all gone missing and are now presumed to have committed suicide by shredder. The bureau has since opened an investigation into how paper can suddenly get up and move on its own and why cameras always seem to power down when it happens.
According to sources, the bureau made no attempt to piece the shredded paper document back together because "that would be really hard" and "DOGE won't let us buy that much tape."
At publishing time, Patel had informed the agents under his command that their paychecks had somehow shredded themselves.
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