WATERTOWN, SD — As mainstream media reports circulated that maintaining physical fitness is a sign of far-right extremism, a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Investigation disclosed that the agency already has a surveillance team closely monitoring what is believed to be a local fascist training facility.
"This place just cranks out dangerous right-wing nutjobs," said one source within the FBI who requested to remain anonymous. "It may be located in a shopping mall, and the people coming in and out look like normal, law-abiding citizens…but with how physically fit they all appear to be, there is every indication that this place is a breeding ground for domestic terrorists."
One man surveilled entering the alleged training facility was later reached for comment. "What are you talking about? I'm just working out?" said a confused Scott Poppen. "I've been coming here to exercise for years. It's no big deal. Why is there a black SUV that seems like it follows me to and from the gym? Who are those guys in suits and sunglasses that watch me when I'm in the locker room? What is this about?"
As Mr. Poppen finished speaking, a tactical team of FBI agents emerged from nearby bushes outside the building, subdued him with a taser, and hauled him away with zip ties on his wrists and ankles.
"We urge Americans to be on the alert," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "We were very disturbed to find there are thousands of these 'fitness centers' across the country. Americans can rest assured that we have reallocated all our resources to monitoring and guarding against this dire threat."
At publishing time, surveillance at the location was ongoing, with FBI sources warning that many patrons of the alleged training facility had also attended 4th of July parties where fireworks were present.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.