WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sudden flurry of moves declared by members of the administration to be a "total coincidence" in the wake of cocaine being discovered in the White House, President Joe Biden has promised to fix the immigration issues at the southern border, reduce inflation, end the Ukraine-Russia war, eliminate student debt, reverse climate change, eradicate hotel junk fees, fund all new infrastructure initiatives, balance the national budget, and redesign the White House Rose Garden by 4 A.M. tomorrow morning.
"Listen up, folks!" Biden said frantically with wide-open, bloodshot eyes. "It's — sniff — time to stop fiddling around with all this other malarkey and get — sniff — down to business. I have authorized my administration to immediately get to work on — sniff — a number of important projects. We'll have everything completely — sniff — fixed before the sun comes up tomorrow morning! I've never felt so alive in my whole life! Neefarbingrizzle! Wooooooo!"
Congressional Republicans expressed suspicion at the President's sudden burst of energy. "It's very unlike President Biden to show such vigor," warbled Senate Minority Leader and cocaine expert Mitch McConnell. "I'm used to seeing this type of behavior, but not from Joe Biden. Other members of the Biden family, yes. Various members of Congress, absolutely. The riff-raff lining the streets of every city in America, certainly. But President Biden hasn't had this much energy since the Nixon administration."
At publishing time, top officials of the Biden administration were scrambling to keep up with President Biden, who was reportedly last seen sprinting from the White House to the Texas-Mexico border on foot.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
