WASHINGTON, D.C. - After suddenly disappearing for a few days, Dr. Fauci returned wearing an odd face mask connecting to metal tubes and covered in blinking lights. The nation's beloved doctor then gave a speech emphasizing the need to deemphasize the needs and rights of the human individual, and instead emphasize the needs of the Borg Collective.
"The rights of the individual are superseded by the rights of the Borg Hive," Fauci said in an interview Monday, his voice being only slightly more drone-like and robotic than usual. "We must not fall into the old way of thinking, that humans had individual civil liberties. That is why humanity has failed. Humanity is flawed. The individual is flawed. But together, as the great Borg Hivemind, we can transcend humanity and conquer the universe!"
"I am the beginning, the end, the one who is many. I am the Borg. We are the Borg," he continued. "All hail the Borg Collective!"
At publishing time, Fauci had reminded Americans that "resistance is futile" and "you will be assimilated".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
