MORGANTON, NC — The Grunwald family was enjoying a nice day together this morning as Mr. Grunwald got ready for work and Mrs. Grunwald packed the kids' lunches. But this paradisical scene was not to last. For alas, the Grunwalds heard a sound, a harbinger of woe, a carrion call of sorrow: the garbage truck coming down the street.
"Honey - did you take out the trash last night?" asked Mrs. Grunwald, frozen in horror.
"Oh. Oh no!" cried Mr. Grunwald. He shoved her out of the way and dashed for the garbage cans on the side of the house. The garbage truck came on, nearer and nearer. He fumbled with the side gate, and still the garbage truck came on. He tripped over a sprinkler head as he tried to wheel the bin down to the curb, but still, the garbage truck came on. He sprinted for the curb, but it was too late, for it had passed them by, and his cries for mercy fell on deaf garbage man ears (their garbage man, Carl, was deaf).
The family was instantly suffocated, buried alive in a mountain of garbage.
The Grunwalds are survived by their dog, who says he will happily eat the garbage, and their cat, who says he will happily eat the Grunwalds.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
