REDDING, CA—Families are wondering how to spend the holidays with their loved ones in light of state restrictions on family gatherings. One local family, dismayed that they couldn't invite the people in their family to Thanksgiving dinner, decided instead to invite their favorite clumps of cells and share a meal with them.
"The Governor's order specifically prohibits gathering with other people," said the head of the household Chad Hollister. "Fortunately, my in-laws, brothers, sisters, cousins, and parents are not necessarily people. According to experts at Planned Parenthood, these are essentially just clumps of cells. What is a person, anyway? No one can really say!" he said with a wink.
According to sources, the Hollister family will host approximately 18 autonomous cell-clumps for the holidays. These cell-clumps will bring delicious dishes filled with other kinds of cooked and seasoned cell clumps for the larger cell-clumps to enjoy.
"Our Governor says he really cares about human life, but we found that when you identify as a simple clump of cells, he doesn't care so much," said Hollister. "So as far as we can tell, we're all just clumps of cells here! Aunt Sandy, can you pass me a clump of delicious sweet potato cells?"