MENLO PARK, CA—In a long-awaited addition to the social network, Facebook will now begin displaying a notification whenever a girl from high school messages you out of the blue, warning you that there is a "very high chance" that she's about to try to sell you stuff or recruit you into a multi-level-marketing scheme.
"Warning! You've received a message from a girl you knew in high school. There is a very high chance she's about to sell you stuff," the warning reads, cautioning users that the casual message "just to catch up" is actually a segue into a pitch for a "business opportunity" where you actually end up throwing away a bunch of money and not making anything.
Facebook reps say the feature is desperately needed, calling the flood of old high school acquaintances selling stuff "a menace" and "a plague probably even worse than the Black Death of old."
"Our algorithm detects when someone you went to high school with messages you for the very first time," a Facebook developer said. "We then scan their profile to see if they've posted about losing weight, using oils, hosting makeup parties, or being their own boss. And if they've ever posted under the hashtag #bossbabe, then it's a definite red flag to trigger our warning message."
Based on the information Facebook compiles, the program is then able to warn you when there's a solid 98% chance that Crissy from high school is about to ask if you want to hear about an amazing business opportunity.
"Sure, once in every few thousand times, there will be a false alarm, where a girl from high school actually just wanted to catch up," the dev continued. "But we think that's an acceptable margin for error."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.