MENLO PARK, CA—According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week.
The team of employees instructed the Facebook CEO in disciplines like smiling without looking like a robot, laughing at the correct moment, and not calling everyone he meets a “pathetic meatsuit.”
“Try to blink every few seconds—no Mark, not that rapidly, that looks creepy,” one staffer said while teaching him how to respond to questions while appearing to be a real flesh-and-blood person with emotions and empathy. “Good, that’s—that’s almost passable, Mark. Great job. Now let’s work on getting rid of your vacant stare that’s obviously bent on world domination.”
Staffers also had to focus on the Facebook CEO’s vocabulary. Many of the interns present were forced to continually remind Zuckerberg not to use phrases like “you stupid dumb#$%^” and “flesh-covered weaklings” while addressing members of Congress.
“We didn’t have a lot to work with,” Facebook’s human behavior specialist told reporters. “He kept using terms like ‘assimilate all earthlings,’ ‘world conquest,’ and ‘everyone will die in a fiery death but I will go on.’ I think we’ve made a lot of progress, all things considered.”
Making Mark Zuckerberg human is no easy task, and the engineers at Facebook knew they’d have to use every resource at their disposal. In order to build a believable human persona for the Facebook CEO, the team reportedly drew on terrabytes upon terrabytes of data on human interaction mined from its unsuspecting users to program their CEO to act more like a real person. The profiles were then uploaded into the tech executive’s brain so he could better understand human motivations like pain, fear, and horror.
At publishing time, Zuckerberg had managed to shed a single tear, stating that all he ever wanted was to feel the human emotion known as “love.”