ATLANTA, GA—The CDC is once again recommending face masks indoors—even for vaccinated individuals. While the exact effectiveness of face masks in preventing the spread of COVID-19 isn’t known, a new study has shown that face masks are highly ineffective in protecting you from looking like some giant dummy who doesn’t know how viruses or vaccines work.
“When you wear a mask,” said researcher Norman Ryan who specializes in things that make you look dumb, “people will often ask, ‘Are you vaccinated?’ And if you answer yes to that, they’ll follow up with, ‘Don’t you know what a vaccine does?’ and then stare at you like you’re an idiot. In control groups without masks, this didn’t happen.”
Ryan also found that the amount the mask makes you look dumb varies based on the conditions in which it’s used. For example, it makes you look the least stupid in a crowded indoor environment and very stupid while outdoors, and deadly stupid if worn while driving alone in a car. “We’re seeing long-term, permanent effects from wearing a mask alone in a car,” Ryan added. “People who see you doing that will never respect you ever again.”
The CDC, though, seems unconcerned about making people look stupid. “We don’t actually care about anyone,” said CDC spokesman Jerome Barber. “We just like throwing out arbitrary rules and feeling important. We’re as surprised as anyone that people listen to us at all.”