WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Aviation Administration has shut down flights after Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg fell asleep on the department's "SHUT DOWN ALL AIR TRAVEL" Button once again. Buttigieg fell asleep on the Button on Tuesday morning, grinding domestic air travel to a halt.
"This is the third time this has happened," said a frustrated Transportation Undersecretary Janet Higgins. "We had discussed internally the amount of care we needed to take when in the vicinity of the button, and we had even discussed moving it."
"Why do we even have that button anyway?"
According to sources, Buttigieg had been visibly tired during a recent meeting. "He looked beat," said a Transportation aide who wished to remain anonymous. "Some of us even suggested he should go home, take a nap, or move away from the button."
While some find the Secretary of Transportation once again accidentally shutting down air travel unacceptable, others felt the incident was overblown. "People don't like Mayor Pete because he's gay," said a source close to Buttigieg. "Complaining about him accidentally halting domestic travel twice in 72 hours is simply an excuse for their latent homophobia. Besides, being a gay icon is exhausting work. He deserves a nap every once in a while."
A representative from the DOT released a statement that read, in part, "We are currently investigating how this could have happened and taking steps to ensure that it never happens again." There is no word yet on why a "SHUT DOWN ALL AIR TRAVEL" button exists in the first place and why it is so conveniently located.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.