WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy revealed today that the FAA system crashed Friday because the agency's AOL CD had finally run out of hours.
For decades now, the agency had been reupping its network with old America Online CDs purchased from eBay. However, even with several CDs allowing up to 700 free hours, the allotment finally ran out.
"We had another CD ordered, but the seller says he's out of town until Tuesday," Duffy told reporters. "We explained that this is a national emergency. He said we should have read the listing."
The agency issued an urgent appeal for Americans to search their kitchen junk drawers for any AOL CDs that they may have forgotten about. Officials said even a disc with just 50 free hours could help get the nation through the weekend.
When asked why the agency hadn't simply purchased an unlimited internet subscription, Duffy explained that the federal government requires an open bidding process for their internet service provider. "We are legally required to take the cheapest option, and that's still AOL," said Duffy. "Some of those CDs come with over 1,000 free hours! No one else can compete."
At publishing time, the FAA had lifted the grounding order after a replacement AOL CD had been discovered at a nearby Salvation Army.
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