The Babylon Bee's crack team of very brilliant and handsome investigators has uncovered several more horrifying experiments funded by none other than notorious beagle butcher Anthony Fauci. As the old saying goes, where there's smoke, there's fire - and when there's government-funded puppy torture, there's probably some other bad stuff going on too.
Here are the experiments we uncovered that were funded by Dr. Fauci:
1) How many whacks with a hammer does it take to kill a panda? Sources say Fauci did request they use a rubber mallet for the baby pandas, so maybe he's not all bad. And the answer is 12.
2) How many babies can you strap onto a rocketship and still reach orbit? Apparently, there were leftovers from Fauci sewing fetuses onto mice, and it seemed like a fun idea.
3) Which race burns alive the fastest? Yikes. We retract our previous statement about him maybe not being all bad.
4) Do orphans have an adverse reaction to being made fun of for being orphans while simultaneously being punched? This one got $20 million from Fauci, as apparently, orphans are expensive.
5) What effect will it have to poison Flint's water supply with lead? Ohhhh... so that's how that happened!
6) What kind of kitten can you blend in a blender? Fauci insisted it was for the "greater good."
7) How far can you launch a baby giraffe in a catapult? Sources say that baby giraffes do not, in fact, land on their feet.
8) What happens to small children subjected to Kamala Harris laughing? Now, this is just too much.
9) What happens to brownies if you put walnuts in them? What kind of unholy chimera have you unleashed upon this world, you sicko!
10) How long can you keep a dementia patient alive as President? The jury's still out on that one.
Keep your eyes peeled for other Fauci-funded atrocities, and let us know what you find, gumshoe!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
