BEIRUT — The carnage of surprise attacks on the terrorist organization in recent weeks continued in downtown Beirut today, as a party of six Hezbollah members was suddenly taken out by an apparent exploding restaurant buzzer.
The group of terrorists had reportedly taken a break from plotting the deaths of innocent civilians to grab dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, where they requested a table before being given a remote buzzer. Moments later, witnesses reported an explosion.
"Ahmed! Party of six!" the hostess shouted immediately following the explosion, apparently not noticing the remains of the Hezbollah members strewn throughout the restaurant's foyer. "Ahmed? Party of six?"
A statement released by Hezbollah after the incident confirmed the deaths. "None of them survived to actually be seated," said spokesterrorist Mohammed Akhtar. "They were hungry after a long day of planning the killing of Jews and wanted to eat. No one could agree on what type of food, so they decided to go to the Cheesecake Factory, the restaurant with a menu the size of an encyclopedia. The leader of the group, Ahmed, was a big fan of the brown bread and Caesar salad. Unfortunately, it appears the buzzer given to them by the hostess had been… modified."
A Cheesecake Factory press release vehemently denied any allegations that the restaurant had anything to do with the incident. "We just do cheesecake," a spokesman said. "When we say ‘Our food is the bomb!' this isn't at all what we mean."
At publishing time, Hezbollah had issued a warning to all its members to buy their cheesecake elsewhere.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
