IRVINE, CA — FDA officials specializing in the field of genuine Mexican food have released a comprehensive, peer-reviewed report confirming no link between eating Taco Bell and immediately suffering from explosive diarrhea, and that Taco Bell was "safe and effective."
Some say the FDA's comprehensive meta-analysis may be enough to firmly place suggestions that Taco Bell causes a "Blitz in the Britches" to be unmistakable lies drummed up by conspiracy theorists.
"The Science has spoken, thus concluding Taco Bell to be the source of neither Trouser Slop, Heavy Shartillery, nor Chino Cappuccino," said FDA spokesman, Ron Schwartz, "Anyone claiming their Cheesy Gordita Crunch Wrap Supreme™ led to an evening dancing the Dirty Dungaree Disco is willfully distributing misinformation and should be held accountable."
Mainstream media outlets reported on the FDA's claim distancing the fast-food chain from acute cases of the Battle of Waterloo and went further to insist that never, in the history of food franchises, have there been reports of Taco Bell causing a 21-Gun Gastric Salvo.
CNN's Don Lemon went so far as to purchase and eat a Taco Bell Spicy Double-Steak Grilled Cheese Burrito™ during his live 10:00 am segment in front of dozens of viewers. The broadcast was cut short, however, due to unknown technical difficulties, and not due to Lemon suffering a Crackpocalypse.
At publishing time, CDC officials had announced an investigation into why people who watched CNN were all getting diarrhea.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
