ALPHARETTA, GA — Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term "magical sky daddy."
Dr. Byron Ohm, director of Emory University's Center for Popular Nonsense Studies, said, "If you watch the evolution of Andy's sermons and public statements, he's following what we call the ‘I Kissed Sola Scriptura Goodbye' glide path. What that means is that over the next eighteen to twenty-four months, you can expect to see events including, but not limited to: officiating a gay wedding, getting in a screaming fight with one or more Southern Baptists, and announcing a new role as a religion commentator on MSNBC. From there it's a straight shot to an awkward beard and TikTok videos about how ridiculous Old Testament dietary laws are."
Dr. Ohm's assessment was echoed by Twitter religion expert @SpaghettiMonster68, who tweeted, "Luv @AndyStanley now. He's saying a lot of smart things. Can't wait for him to reach the logical conclusion that humans were obv created by an alien race of self-aware butternut squash."
An attempt to contact Andy Stanley for comment was unsuccessful as staff said he was out of the office getting some Norse runes tattooed on his wrist.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
