Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won't because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money. Horrible! I have a simple ten-step plan that is foolproof — and I should know because I've been to the Soviet Union and it's a paradise over there, let me tell you!
Here are the steps:
- Abort all the poor babies: Fewer poor babies means fewer poor people. It's simple math, which I am very good at.
- Tax rich people until they're poor: If everyone is poor then no one will be.
- Give everyone money until they become middle class: We cannot rest until Tom Hanks and John Doe are shopping at the same grocery store. Then maybe I can get an autograph!
- Drop Elon Musk off the Empire State Building: This is how we win, America!
- Print more money: Unexpected expenses can be paid for with a giant savings account everyone can access. The beauty of it is that if it's overdrawn we can just print more money! Why haven't we done this yet?
- Offload our health care to Cuba: Sailing to Cuba for treatment will also build muscle, making you healthier overall! Is there anything Cuba can't do?
- Force greedy business owners to lower all their prices: If we force them to sell products at a loss they will automatically qualify for non-profit protections, which means when they go into debt they can stay in business because money is meaningless.
- Do whatever Venezuela did: We might need oil. From them. NO FRACKING! Maybe drugs.
- Blow up all the banks like the end of Fight Club: Except for the fed. It's America's bank!
- Let them eat cake: Chocolate, with a Hugo Chavez picture drawn in whip cream. Delish!
It's just that easy, friends! Don't forget to vote for me! I'm probably still running for president! I'm Bernie Sanders!
NOT SATIRE: Unlike Bernie Sanders, we have a real plan for folks like you who want to help others! Want to leverage private dollars to help those who have fallen on hard times? Maybe you want to donate to your place of worship or charities working to preserve our constitutional rights.
Maybe you believe, as Tesla CEO Elon Musk said during a Babylon Bee interview, "Anything done by the government is going to be inefficient." Maybe you want to help people now and ensure the biggest bang for your buck — especially when it comes to your charitable dollars.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.