WASHINGTON, D.C.—A team of experts called in by Congress to analyze the potential dangers of 3D-printed guns has declared there is no threat after watching the nation try to operate a host of normal 2D printers.
The panel of scientists and researchers watched several hundred test subjects attempt to load paper, fix jams, and reload the ink cartridges on basic, everyday printers, but not a single one was able to do so without googling solutions for hours or calling their grandchildren to walk them through the process. Subjects trying their hand at even the most basic print jobs ran into spooling errors, printer connectivity problems, and often couldn’t even plug the USB cable in the correct direction.
“We were pretty worried about this whole 3D-printed guns business,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in a press conference Wednesday, “but now that we see that most people can’t even print a funny email forward or MapQuest’s directions to the local CVS, we realize our fears were pretty much entirely unfounded.”
“False alarm, everybody—sorry.”
Schumer went on to say that he was now “fairly confident” most of America isn’t capable of printing the small, complex parts needed to construct a 3D-printed plastic gun, much less put it together and figure out how to operate it.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.