U.S. — Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra announced in a press conference Thursday that, going forward, every single human behavior would now be classified as either Autism Spectrum Disorder or ADHD.
"You name it, you got it," said Becerra. "Laziness? That's autism. Playing Pickleball? That's ADHD. Watching people play Pickleball? That's autism again."
"Okay but what about cuddling up on the couch with a good book on a rainy day?" asked MSNBC reporter Bob Daniels.
"Are you deaf? That's autism," Becerra answered. "Sounds like you might have ADHD if you can't figure this out."
A reporter from Fox News then asked about narcissism, but the HHS Secretary confirmed that narcissism is also caused by autism.
The American Psychological Association (APA) issued a statement clarifying how all human behaviors should be classified and then added there was little hope for correcting them.
"We can prescribe amphetamines for anyone suffering from such symptoms of ADHD as playing sports, being late for work, or shooting heroin but, honestly, it's all kind of hit or miss," said ADHD expert Dr. Anton Gorley. "We're really not sure what we're doing. We probably have ADHD."
Meanwhile, the leading expert on Autism Spectrum Disorder sort of shrugged. "I can't do anything about your obsession with Lord of the Rings," said Dr. Sarah Stephens, herself diagnosed with ADHD for being unable to cure autism.
At publishing time, the APA released information that anyone reading this article had both ADHD and autism, a rare combination.
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